January 31, 2013

Loves & Growing Pains

I still remember the very first Valentine's Day Terence and I had together.  We had only been dating a few short months.  I still wasn't so sure about him.  We were both so young and in school.  Yet, he continued to pursue me and woo me at every turn.

My best friend Sara and I went shopping for Valentine's Day outfits to wear with our boyfriends to the Olive Garden for a date.  I chose a light pink v-neck shirt with a black skirt.  I still remember that outfit....it's so funny the little things you remember. 

We pulled around the corner of the college campus that night and there Terence was sitting on the bench.  He stood up holding 3 yellow roses.  We had a nice dinner and then later we exchanged gifts.  He had brought me some Godiva chocolates from when he went home to Texas for Christmas break.  We didn't have Godiva STORES in Arkansas!  I was in heaven :-)

I got him some fun little things as well and then I wrote "I Love You" in glow in the dark stars on the wall in his dorm room.  That's the first time we both said "I Love You".  I'll always remember that. 

Over the years marriage has had it's highs and lows.  Right now we are both stressed out and tired due to work or other things going on.....I miss the carefree feeling of when you are first dating someone.  That is a feeling that lasts forever. 

I also think it's something that so many people lose and try to re-capture.  Hence, divorce is so prevalent in today's world.  I would hate to feel those emotions and go through that journey with anyone but Terence.....the one God chose for me.

If you can make it through the mountains and valleys together then the other side of the mountain is so rewarding.

So here we are almost 14 years later.  I can't say our marriage is as passionate as I would like it to be, or I'm even where I thought we would be.  Life has taken us down so many paths....but I know this is where we are supposed to be.  Together, until death do us part.  For better or worse.

I am glad to have Terence by my side to support me, love me, he is loyal, and would do anything for me and Connor.  Sometimes I wish he would enjoy the little moments instead of always projecting or spread sheeting for the future.  I know what he does is good in the long term....but I know we aren't promised tomorrow and the days go by so quickly. 

I kiss him goodbye in the morning and don't see him again until dinner.  The same with Connor.  There has to be more than this right?  I feel void and null some days just trying to get through.  Living the life and moving through the motions without really feeling them.  There has to be more than that?  God can and will sustain our marriage.  He can and will yours too.

Do you ever feel like you're on a hamster wheel?  I want to live life, but not only live it....I want to feel it and be present.  Right now I am not.  I know this.  My fear and anxiety paralyze me.  The person I am in my head and my heart is not who I am showing to the outside world. 

God give me the boldness and heart to be what You would have me to be to others.  The wife You would have me be for Terence.  The Mom You would have me be for Connor.  The daughter, sister, and so on....

What do you do to maintain that spark?  Fill a void?  Feel when you are lost?

(I'm not saying all this because anything is wrong....it isn't!  I'm just expressing my feelings & hoping to get input from others)

 These are some loves of mine :-)

I'm a very visual person, probably why I love photos so much...but they ignite memories and I love that!

Our first little vacay together in Branson (sitting in the love chair)
Terence was LOVABLE.  I was TEASER. Ha ha!!! (Year 2000)
I got this cute little burlap Valentine's Day banner for $7? on a flash sale site! I love it!
Connor's cute little Valentine cards from Little Laws Prints 
I have a hankering to make these puppies...but they are NOT on my Biggest Loser diet...hello???
I love this heart.  It's just paper.  Wish someone would show me how to make it???  I don't think I'd buy for $45 smackers.
Valentine poms.....ahhhhhh
Godiva truffles aka the key to my beloved heart
Also a nice purse or bling....ya know I am a girlie girl!
Another thing I love to do when I am by myself is drive around and look in random neighborhoods at houses.  I just love looking at HOUSES???  Does that make me weird or stalkerish is some way?  I just think they are pretty.....also I'm obsessed with HGTV and home makeover shows, but that's another story. 
Don't you adore those windows?
Mediterranean architecture is so pretty
I love Connor's baby curls...if I start to look at baby pictures for too long then I'll get the fever.  Ugh I miss is.....but I don't miss those sleepless nights!
First Valentine's Day
he's so little.....
My lil decor on the counter there :-)
So what are your Valentine's plans?
Is anyone doing any fun V-day link ups? 
I'm excited to make a Valentine day card box for Connor's pre-school.  I used to love decorating those when I was a kid.  Remember making those in elementary school and cutting a hole in the top?  Ahhhh memories.......
Okay now off to bed or to get coffee.....whatevs.
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Tristan said...

girl..we can be anxiety sistes, i'm tellin ya!!

haha..love all the love pics..too cute!

Brittany said...

I really really am hoping and wishing for you to find peace. You seem so sweet and nice and fun just from your blog. I'm a newlywed wi a one year old and I wish so bad to freeze time rig here because it won't always be this perfect. I' feel so lucky because I don't yet have a full time job and those hours away from the home just make me feel, like you said paralyzed. The work you're putting in now will pay off later try to remember that. Ad omg those baby curls are so sweet !!!

Nicolle said...

Praying for you Becky! I've always loved your blog and you say what's on your heart. We've been married going on 12 years, and we've had plenty of ups and downs, but there is no one I'd rather be with. I think in those hard times...looking back now...my best advice is to breathe and not over think. Give yourself some grace. Life is hard, but God is good to us too. There will always be highs and lows. I suffer from major anxiety as well, so I understand your thoughts and feelings.

Love all of your Valentine photos. Makes me want to do some decorating!

Praying for peace and rest and better times ahead.

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

Ah Becky. I think everyone feels that way when they get to a certain point in their relationship.

Remember. Marriage is work. And you have to work for that passion too. And just remember how much you love each other. You can get through the valleys.

Cherry said...

Here's a tutorial on how to make that layered heart! You can do it!


First time commenting... thanks for sharing your heart's thoughts! BE ENCOURAGED as you encourage others with your blog!

LWLH said...

Where are those houses, I want to live there! :)