May 23, 2012

Anxiety & Depression

Most of you know that I suffer from anxiety…and sometimes depression. It’s something that has affected my life since around the age of 16. Some days are easier than other. I’m sure my coffee habit doesn’t help the anxiety part either :/ I love coffee, but sometimes if I’m feeling extra anxious or tense I’ll get a decaf or a smaller beverage.
 
I think a lot of people who suffer from anxiety and depression are living day to day. I wouldn’t say I’m one of those people. I don’t really suffer from the depression part at all….but anxiety and tension. A LOT. A lot of it is hereditary. It runs in my family and it’s something a lot of my family members suffer from as well.
 
I’ve been to counseling for years. I don’t go to counseling anymore, but I do still take medication to help manage my anxiety issues. It’s something that has helped me tremendously. What really makes me mad is when people don’t understand what you are going through and try to offer up their own resolve. Yes, diet and exercise DO help…..but this is something I can’t explain and I don’t know why I’m like this…it’s almost like a disease. I do the best I can to manage and try to relax, but some days I just get so worked up its hard.
 
I think my anxiety has a lot to do with my decision on not having another child. I suffered from MAJOR postpartum depression after Connor was born. I thought the floor was going to fall out from under me. What do I do with this baby…this thing in my life now who has taken over my time, energy, entire being! I love my son, don’t get me wrong. The beginning was so rough and I’m afraid to go through that again. Also, day to day just having one 2 year old right now is good with me! Coming from someone who never thought she could have children in the first place…..I am so beyond happy with my sweet Connor boy. And I am fulfilled and happy with that. I don’t want to be judged for my decision. It’s personal and it’s not selfish, I’m doing what’s best for Connor, Terence, & me. I can be a better Mom and wife this way. Unless things change and God has other plans…..we are good.
 
Today is going to be a good day. I am so blessed. Pushing all my fears and anxiety today….all is well.
I’m going to be 31 next week. YIKES. Gulp. I am old.
 
I’m so thankful for the blogging friendships I’ve made. The comments from lovely friends and readers. I feel not so alone in the world. Ya’ll are the best! Thanks for always encouraging me and talking

 
Xoxo Becky
 
Mornings with Mama:
 
Our special trips for coffee and chocolate milk :-)

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25 comments:

Erin said...

Love birthday coupons!! I was bummed that I didn't ever recieve my Starbucks bday coupon!! It's always my favorite bday deal!!

Kelsey L. said...

I'll be 25 this year and I am entering back into the education world & do not plan on having a baby until I'm at least 30! Thirty is not old, if anything you are more wise to care for a child! I hear you on the anxiety, I do not take any medication for it but I have been overly anxious about A LOT of things in the past couple of years and have days where I feel like I could fall apart. It's tough and I think the worst part of it is people who think they know everything and want to give their input. Love your blog, your family is too cute and 3 is a good number! =)

Jessica Renee said...

I TOTALLY feel you on the anxiety/depression thing. I've dealt with it for many years too and it was getting better but having a baby definitely didn't help for a while. I always think about what it would be like to have another baby later on but I'm with you and think things might be best for us with just one. (Also coming from someone who never thought she'd have a baby!!) So I get it. I'm here if you ever want to talk :)

Kendra said...

I've struggled with anxiety too. I tried SO hard for SO long to fight it with exercise and sleep and eating better and not watching TV, etc. I also thought it was just that I didn't have enough faith...that I was letting fear and anxiety in and that it was because I didn't trust Jesus enough. That was SO wrong!!! You can trust Jesus and love Him and still struggle with overwhelming anxiety!! IT's NOT A FAITH ISSUE. For me, it's a chemical imbalance. And I take a small dose of anti-anxiety meds each day to help balance me to normal. It's something I can't control without help.

If I were a diabetic, I'd need meds to help regulate my inslulin. If I had high blood pressure, I'd need meds to help with that too. This is a problem I need meds to help with. I do try and do other things - get enough sleep, not watch the news or read upseting things...etc, but I know those things aren't enough!

Lauren said...

You poured out your heart here, dear friend, and pray the comments bring a source of comfort for you and know you are not alone!! Love you!! :)

Apryl Kilgo said...

Wow, I would have never known. I am so glad that you can be so honest and real about it because there are so many other women with the same anxiety issues. I suffered with alot of anxiety and a bit of depression after Kross was born. It wasn't PPD because the depression part wasn't until he was close to a year old. Now that I have a second baby, it is so much easier to just let things go. I still have anxiety about things, but I manage it better. Good for you for doing what's best for your family. And Happy Early Birthday!

Allyson Butler said...

Thank you for sharing with us so honestly. And...Happy Birthday!

danielledee1123 said...

we have way too much in common! My son almost 3, im 31, coffee, anxiety, depression...you are not alone!

Julie said...

Happy Almost Birthday!!!!!!! I just love your little boy's curly hair-seriously that's one of a kind!

danielledee1123 said...

I'm afraid to have another child because my son was born deaf in his left ear which has caused a speech delay. He's been going to therapy for over a year and is catching up but it's definitely not easy! I have a birth defect that probably is the root of all anxiety and depression issues and even though my sons birth defect and mine are no way related I fear a second child will be born will another birth defect. I don't want my children to experience the same things and feel the same way I do inside....I'm so glad that you blogged about t's today!! It's really good to share these things...helpful in so many ways....{hugs}

Lindsay said...

I love how transparent you are! We all have "stuff" we deal with, so knowing others have stuff makes it easier on us.

I always thought I would have 3 kids since I came from a family of 3 kids. Now that I have 1, I only want 1 more. And sometimes I think we should just stick with 1...my point is, after becoming a mom and seeing how I handle the day to day, I just don't think I could handle managing schedules for 3 people PLUS my & the hubby. The thought of 3 kids literally makes me sick. But, in a way, it makes me sad to know I might not meet this 3rd, imaginary child I've always "had"....lol...as crazy as that sounds, but it is hard to "let go" of what I thought my life would be like. But, I think it takes a ton of maturity (tooting my horn AND your horn!) to realize what you can handle and what is best for your family, and making a decision based off that, instead of a decision you made in your head a long time ago (for me anyway). I love your blog & I really relate to you and we would SO be friends & hang out if I lived in DFW! :)

Lainey-Paney said...

LOVE the painted chalkboard.

:)

Nicolle said...

I also suffer from great anxiety. Mine started 13 years ago when my dad died suddenly. Now I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, what is next, what big bad thing will happen now...it's a horrible cycle and it's never ending. I went to a counselor once and didn't like it. I need to go again, and I'm certain I need some sort of medication.

We are older parents, and had a hard time conceiving, and I am not cut out for another infant. We made the decision to just have one. I'm now at peace with that. I worried over it for a long time. I have had some really strange/negative comments made to me for our decision. It's so weird. There are no rules that say we have to keep reproducing! :) I say follow your heart, and you know what is best for you and your family. I think you have made a wonderful decision.

Thanks for writing this post!

Classy Fab Sarah said...

Happy Almost 31st Birthday!!

So strong of you to share this!! You are such a great mom, I had no idea you had postpartum issues after Connor.

I too suffer from a lot of anxiety. It's so hard to articulate anxiety and what it feels like.

Anonymous said...

I had panic attacks about 8 yrs ago. I took something for it for a bit but then I stopped after two yrs or so because I didn't like how it made me "not" feel things.
Last summer I was diagnosed with anxiety. I think that depression just is a part of it. I happen to be in the a part of something that women go through quite often (perimenopause ) and the craziness that hormones cause . I felt like it was debilitating. I have been doing acupuncture since last August and I swear by it.

Nicole said...

You are so right people do not understand anxiety/depression. I have a situation in my family right now and we have been subject to judgement and it's very difficult and very painful. A lot of people also have strong opinions about meds and who and when they should be taken and they don't seem to mind to tell you what they think. I say that's between a person and their dr. I know it's hard not to let what people say bother you but they do not know how you feel. Only you know yourself and what's best for you.

Tristan said...

I have said many times that I don't want another baby until Taylor-Austyn is in school..and then,if its in God's plan and chris is well..we will think about it..lol.
Taylor-Austyn is so close to perfection..how do you top her..bahahaha.

I have extreme worry..it takes me over so bad that I can barely function while Chris works nights..I seriously do not sleep..I'm sure medicine would help me out with that!

arkansasrunner said...

I too am troubled with anxiety! I use to take medication for it, but I don't right now. I think the decision to do what is right for YOU is a very wise one! And, Happy early Birthday - love those coupons!

Creativeschmidt said...

I've also struggled with Anxiety/Depression. It can be a tricky thing!! And 31 is NOT old...I'll be 32 this year. Eep! :) But I do look forward to all of those Birthday month freebies...takes the pain out of being another year "wiser". ;)

The Queens said...

I think we both live in Fort Worth and go to the same Starbucks! Small world!
Anhow, this is a wonderful post. Chin up - motherhood is the highest of highs and lowest of lows.

SuzSpeaks said...

Becky,

I struggle with the same.... part of the reason we waited for so long to try for #2...
I hope you have a great birthday!!!

Ashley said...

I suffer a lot from anxiety and depression as well. More the depression part though. It's hereditary in my family also. I really hope I don't pass it down to my children, it's not something I want them to have to deal with at all. My anxiety is part of the reason we have put off having a second child. Cooper, my almost 2 year old, is a HANDFUL and I couldn't imagine throwing a newborn into the mix even though we had planned to already be pregnant again a this point. I'm finally starting to feel like we can think about having a second right now. I don't think there is anything wrong with you decided to stick with one child. I don't think it's selfish at all. You know what you can handle and you're doing what's best for your family. People don't think about the fact that having more than one child could be viewed as selfish also. Something YOU want to do, no matter how it would affect the family you already have. Anyway, you're strong to share all of this! Happy birthday next week!

LWLH said...

My mom struggles with this alot.

Debbie said...

Thanks for being so open and honest on your blog. I know how scary that can be to open up on here. No judgment here. I know how you feel and girl please...one 2 year old is definitely a lot of work. You're a great Mom and shouldn't ever have to feel bad for decisions that make the most sense for you and for your family. People need to keep their negative comments to themselves. :)

I wrote a blog last fall with a huge list of all the birthday freebies that I knew of. I LOVE my birthday month with all the free stuff!!!! :) Happy birthday, girl!

Katie said...

I happened upon your blog and am excited to follow. This post really resonated with me so I felt compelled to comment. I also suffer from anxiety and depression. It can be completely debilitating and lonely, especially when people don't understand. I've found unless a person has dealt with it first hand it is nearly impossible for them to truly empathize. Glad you've found a place in the blogging world to make meaningful connections with people. We appreciate your honesty and ability to share :) Sometimes it's nice to know you aren't alone in feeling a certain way. Your son is totally adorable, btw!

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