October 7, 2010

Baby Wishes & Cavier Dreams

I've been thinking of what to post on this topic for the last couple of days. I saw that Amy was doing a link up on her blog about "getting real". I think for the most part I am real on this blog, but there are a lot of things I don't post about for fear that some of you may judge me differently. I don't exactly know who reads this blog or why they do and I would never want to offend anyone because their life's circumstances aren't the same as mine. I am not the best writer, and I tend to write how I talk....so I will just write this the best I can.

Through blogging I have heard some incredible stories...lots of good ones....and some very sad ones. There have been times I'm sitting at my computer bursting for joy reading my computer screen, and other times I am sitting there crying because something not so good has happened in your lives. I don't understand why some things happen to people, but I do hope that we can all be here to encourage each other as we journey through life. Most of us live far from each other, but have all found a common bond in blogging and developed life long friendships :)

My life is not that exciting, and nothing spectacular happens to me on a day to day basis, but I do enjoy keeping this blog to look back on. I have always been a saver and a picture taker...it's something I enjoy and the pictures are a memory captured that can be shared! It excites me and I love to share these memories with my friends, family, and you!

One common bond I found with a lot of you was my journey to become a mother. My journey has been short compared to many of you out there. There are still so many of you who are longing and hoping for this dream we all talk about and share on our blogs....motherhood.
Terence and I were married 8 years and 5 months to the day when we welcome Connor into our lives. I can say I always had a feeling I would have trouble getting pregnant or carrying a child. Growing up my sister and I both struggled with PCOS. I have never had a normal period in my LIFE. I either had no period at all or a period that would last for several weeks at a time. Sometimes it was excruciating!

Now, let me make it clear we have not been trying to have a baby the entire time we've been married. When we started talking about it I got worried & I think I was the one that pushed it so hard. Terence would have been fine to wait 10 more years! That is just men for ya!
There were times when we tried and times when we didn't. I never expected much.....but as I began to see all my friends have a baby...then their second baby....and even third baby....I began to wonder if something was wrong. The times we did try nothing would happen and your like "are we doing something wrong?" The last couple of years I really felt time caving in on me like a black hole. I was starting to push 30 and people started to ask us if we were ever going to have kids??? How do you tell someone "YES" when they have no clue that it's something you desire so badly...but don't know how to make it happen.

We never had to go to the lengths that some of you have gone through to try and conceive. We did try alternative methods and some drugs before conceiving Connor, but we did not conceive him while using any of that. I remember finding out my sister was pregnant and at the time it was the last straw. As thrilled and excited as I was for her I was hurting inside because I wanted it to be me so badly!
It did give me hope....because we both had the same health problems I thought if she could get pregnant then maybe so can I??? I remember the night I found out I think I threw my phone at Terence and burst into tears...."it's supposed to be ME!"

Terence had just graduated with his masters degree & we had just moved out of my in-laws house into our own apartment. Things were definitely looking up and I thought the only thing that would make it better would be a baby. I think I had a misunderstanding of what having a baby truly was....yes they are cute and wonderful...but these past 7 months have kicked our butts! I have read so many blogs that paint a perfect picture of motherhood and it's not all perfect. It's hard. It's real. It's GREAT! It's so many things I cannot describe right now!

I ramble I know....

Terence and I were living our lives and for the first time we felt secure. We both had our own place, good jobs, and were able to go out on the weekends and have fun. In my heart I was happy, but I felt a missing piece...I knew I was missing something. I had been patient and waited & waited for the right time for God to bless us. The previous year I began to really push the issue of having a baby on Terence and I don't think that was right. It wasn't right for me, him, or our relationship. I've said before....God truly has perfect timing.

Shortly after I found out my sister was pregnant I found out my sister in law was pregnant as well. I was excited for her...but again I was hurting inside because I wanted to be a mother too. I remember calling Summer and we just talked and vented to each other. She's been there for me & I hope I can always be there for her too even though circumstances have changed. She is going to be a mother soon! I feel it!

What I didn't know at the time was that....I was pregnant too!

I remember praying to God and pleading with him "Please Lord if you grant me a child he is Yours not mine...he is YOURS!" I just kept saying that over and over again in my head.....he is yours not mine...yours not mine....

I still remember praying that prayer so vividly. And on my 28th birthday God blessed me with Connor....I know that was the day. Happy birthday to me right??? ha..ha..

I finally gave in and gave it all over to God. I quit trying to control my own life and trying to fit into a mold I thought would be right. I hear it and people say it all the time....the minute you quit trying to control the world around you and just relax it will happen....and it did.

I'm praying for those of you still in waiting each day & thank you for always being there for me and encouraging me over the years! Everyone's journey is different....but if they were all the same then what kind of life would that be?

XOXO - Becky


Reflection:

Psalm 21:2 You have granted him the desire of his heart and have not withheld the request of his lips.

Psalm 145:19 He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.

17 comments:

Sarah said...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post! I am so glad you have your sweet baby boy and I hope everyone else with the same strong desire to be a mother gets their baby soon!!!
xoxo

Becky said...

Thank you so much for posting this. I'm learning more and more about PCOS from bloggers and I was able to tell my friend about it the other day because we think she might have some symptoms of it.

Also, I definitely have the baby fever but my husband and I know it's "not the right time" and are trying to be okay with that. I'm trying to give it to God and let Him decide when to give us a baby but it's hard, so this post came at just the right time. Thank you thank you!

Stephanie said...

Thank you for sharing your story with us! Motherhood does not come easy to so many of us...

Jordan said...

Thank you for sharing your story with us, Becky!!

Aishlea and Brandon said...

Beautiful story, Becky..and beautifully written!

amy (metz) walker said...

I love your story and I'm so glad you shared. Having PCOS myself...it's hard. I wonder how I'll ever get pregnant with a husband that travels and an abnormal body, but I know that God is totally capable. I just keep telling myself, over and over: Not my will...YOUR will. One day, either my heart will change and I'll be ok with not being a mother...or my life will change and I'll have or adopt a baby. I'm trying so hard to be present in "today"...

Again, I'm so thankful for women like you who've shared...gives me hope!

Tristan said...

:) glad your a mommy!! he's a lucky little man!

His timing is ALWAYS perfect...always.

Chelsi said...

Thank you for this post. I always appreciate a down to earth and *sometimes* brutally honest post. My husband and I have been wanting to start our family for quite some time. We're being kind of descrete about it just because I don't want to deal with the questions... It's taking longer than I ever thought it would and I am starting to get sad. However, I need to know that there are people who have waited YEARS for children and some people have never been able to fufill their dreams. I'm trying to leave it to God but it's hard, that's for sure.

Anyway, I ramble too... :) But, thanks again for this!!! Your little man is so cute! :)

Erin said...

What an answered prayer you little Connor man is and what a great momma you are. It is amazing what God provides when we don't expect it :)

Mrs. Mess said...

That was a great post! I participated in Amy's post as well. Mine was the first link. Maybe our day will come soon as well.

Kristen and Andy said...

What a beautiful post!!! I feel like I could have written it myself. We tried for over 2 years to get pregnant the first time - did every possible test, couldn't find anything wrong - unexplained infertility. I too had all those same emotions - everyone around me was getting pregnant and while I was so happy for them, it was a constant reminder to me that my dream wasn't coming true! I finally accepted my situation and accepted that whatever was to be will be. We started seeing a specialist and we got pregnant right away - with no real intervention or drugs. I was over the moon.

Then of course we got the biggest suprise and blessing when we got pregnant with Cannon without even trying (a week after I had left my job to become a SAHM). Its all in God's timing for sure!

Wish we lived closer - I think we'd be good friends - so much in common :)

Emily said...

What an inspiring story of God's faithfulness.

Thanks for sharing!

Lauren said...

Beautiful story and thank you for sharing!! Such a story of God’s faithfulness! So glad I found you in the Twitter and bloggy world!

Mrs. Classic said...

I'm catching up on my blog reading and just came across this. I'm going through a similar event right now, all of my friends are getting pregnant (some with their 3rd.) It is so hard to be patient and see the big picture. The hardest though is a friend who I meet when we were first married, she was SO far from having kids and now she is celebrating her 1st anniversary and her new pregnancy. God will provide, it's just hard to see before it happens.

Emily said...

What an inspiring story of God's faithfulness.

Thanks for sharing!

Mrs. Classic said...

I'm catching up on my blog reading and just came across this. I'm going through a similar event right now, all of my friends are getting pregnant (some with their 3rd.) It is so hard to be patient and see the big picture. The hardest though is a friend who I meet when we were first married, she was SO far from having kids and now she is celebrating her 1st anniversary and her new pregnancy. God will provide, it's just hard to see before it happens.

Sarah said...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post! I am so glad you have your sweet baby boy and I hope everyone else with the same strong desire to be a mother gets their baby soon!!!
xoxo

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